Dead man’s soup.

Our street.

This was our old apartment in Brooklyn, courtesy of Googlemaps. We lived there for two years in the mid-aughts. We shared the two-story upper level with a roommate, a friend of a friend from college.

It was the most beautiful apartment I’d ever lived in. Long elegant windows, wide marble fireplaces, original pier mirrors and crown moldings from the turn of the century… we’d have friends over and they’d walk in and gaze up at the twelve-foot ceilings like “What the FUCK???”

Not our apartment, but similar. (I don’t know these people.)

We’d gotten lucky. We paid very little rent because the owner lived beneath us and was picky about his tenants. Most of the owners in the ‘hood had lived there over thirty years. They were hanging on to their buildings with white knuckles through the neighborhood’s rapid gentrification.

Our landlord also owned the adjacent brownstone, which was as lovingly kept and stunning as ours. A man named Willie occupied the lower two levels with his dog. He was around seventy years old, and was a fixture in the neighborhood.

I wrote a story about Willie and published it on my old website on August 4, 2005. I had initially intended to write about my abysmal habit of being late to everything and Willie’s role in that. But then, the story changed itself.

I know it’s a little awkward to have this as my last note before the holidays. It’s not exactly merry. But I dunno. I get melancholy around this time of year. And I think about Willie a lot.

So.

Merry Christmas. See you in 2019.


DEAD MAN’S SOUP.

A while ago I asked you to remind me to tell you about my neighbor Willie. He sat on his front stoop every day with his dog and chatted with people as they walked by. Neighbors mostly, but he was friendly to everyone. So was his dog.

Willie’s dog.

And somehow, everyone except me knew what he was saying.

Two years ago, Willie survived a bout of cancer of the esophagus that had taken a portion of his tongue. He ate through a feeding tube in his tummy. Most of his words came out sounding like scoops of mashed potatoes; all mush, not a lot of shape. He spoke through his nose mostly, and he required a bit of pantomime to get his points across.

Talking with him put me freakishly on edge. I’m chronically late for everything, and Willie was always on his stoop, and I couldn’t just blow by and act like he wasn’t there… and so most times I would stand there with my face all corrugated in frustration, straining to translate his nasal expulsions while my nerves pulled tighter and tighter…

Jump forward to yesterday. I was ravenous and I knew we had nothing in the house to eat, but I didn’t have the cash to blow on some bullshitty crap from any of the overpriced bodegas in staggering distance (not another lunch of cheddar Soy Crisps, please)… so I scoured the fridge and the freezer with the “I’ll eat anything, even the frozen fucking peas” kind of fever… and I found two tupperware containers filled with chunky, brownish, ominous-looking material.

Each had a strip of masking tape on the top with scrawled writing. One read “Turkey Neckbone Soup”, and the other “W. Bro. Pigfeet Soup.”

Neckbone? PIGFEET?

Our roommate was a vegetarian. None of us cooked ancillary animal parts. And whose handwriting was that?

Then I remembered.

About four months ago, Willie’s apartment had caught on fire.

A door from Willie’s apartment.

He’d been microwaving some meatloaf and he heard a bang. He grabbed his dog and got the hell out of there. By the time the firetrucks arrived, his entire first floor was in flames.

The stairs in Willie’s apartment.

The neighbors above him were not home, and their apartment was not damaged. But Willie lost everything. His extensive stack of blues records was one huge melted pile of black. All his furniture was eaten through with black. His lamps, his telephone, his TV, everything had melted from the heat. Every bit of glass in the room had turned to liquid. What took seventy years to accumulate was annihilated in less than twenty minutes.

Willie’s bathroom.

And anything that might have been salvaged was damaged either from the hydrant water or from the firemen smashing through (they had to gouge open up all the walls afterwards to make sure nothing was still burning inside).

Afterwards, we took photos for the insurance people while Willie climbed around his wreckage, pulling charred objects aside to reveal more charred objects. He tried to open his freezer but it was fused shut. We had to pry it open with the help of another neighbor.

Willie’s fridge.

Inside, all of his food was completely intact. The ice had protected even the plastic of the tupperware.

Willie asked us to hang onto everything for him until he could come back for it. We said okay and stashed the food in our freezer. That night Willie slept on a cot in his basement, water dripping all around him. We saw him through his window on our way home from dinner. He had a small battery-powered light next to him.

The landlord suggested Willie find somewhere else to stay, but Willie refused. He slept on the cot at night, and during the day he sat on his stoop with his dog. One morning I was rushing off to work and I passed him, saying, “I’m so sorry about your apartment, Willie… when do they think you can move back in?”

“Never,” he said.

That I understood perfectly.

About two weeks later, contractors were hired to re-assemble the interiors of the old brownstone. Willie moved to a nearby hotel with some clothes donated by the neighbors.

Last month I came home to find the landlord outside our apartment, crying. Willie had gone to the hospital the day before, and had died that morning. Complications with his feeding tube. The hole in his tummy had partially healed.

He had starved to death.

So.

Turkey neckbone soup.

“Turkey neck bone soup.”

I defrosted it in the microwave.

Willie’s soup.

The first bite almost made me gag. More the thought of it than anything… the word “neckbone” caught in a loop in my head.

The second bite was easier.

The third was spicy and rich, almost cajun.

I ate the whole thing.

One person.

If you get my notes via email, you may have received a draft of this one in September. I was trying to schedule posts in advance for the weeks I knew I wasn’t available, but I accidentally sent it early. Ooops.

I pre-scheduled this because right now I am locked in a rehearsal room in downtown LA working on this play. I did a small reading of it in NYC in October, which was like placing a pillow under its head and asking if it wants some warm milk. Right now, however, I’m gouging it with a hunting knife and ordering it not to bleed on my nice white carpet.

Why?

Because it’s a one-person play.

I don’t like one-person plays.

For one, they invoke in me a sort-of empathetic claustrophobia for the performer. “That poor gal is stuck on that stage for a whole hour with no air! Get her out of there!”

But my bigger issue, I think, involves my struggle as an audience member to understand my role in the narrative.

Like, if the character is talking to a literal theatre audience, as with my friend Heidi’s play, I get it. I bought a ticket and sat down and now a performer named Heidi is talking to me about stuff she cares about. My job is to pay attention to her.

I can do that. Heidi’s amazing. The show is great. Easy peasy.

And in McNally’s Master Class, which I saw at the Taper in LA a bazillion years ago, we are cast as Maria Callas’s students. My “purpose” in that audience is to stay silent and worship her so she can react.

I’ve been a devoted disciple. I know how to worship a legend. Done and done.

Underneath the Lintel by Glen Berger, Soho Playhouse, NYC 2001. A librarian gives a lecture about a book that was returned 113 years late. My role is pretty clear. I’m a person who showed up to a lecture about a book. My character likes books. Perhaps I have lots of free time. I’m… enterprising? Educated?

Check.

The Object Lesson at the Kirk Douglas in Culver City two years ago. We’re literally moving boxes and sharing food and dancing with Geoff Sobelle’s character. We have jobs! We help him build the event of the show. He can’t make his play without us. He’d have no one to dance with.

I’ve only ever read 4.48 Psychosis by Sarah Kane ’cause when it was at St. Anne’s in Brooklyn four years ago I was feeling maybe not totally emotionally prepared for it, but in it you witness a young woman’s mental collapse on stage. Your role is almost opposite to The Object Lesson; she would fall apart even if you weren’t watching. You’re basically there to hold the stories of the woman who can’t. You’re the survivor.

I’ve been a survivor. I know how to do that.

However.

When I can’t tell who I am as an audience, I get a little um nervous.

Like when the character on stage is a just a person telling horrific or humorous or meaningful stories. I’m like, did I just casually wander into a trauma circle? Why is only one of us talking?

(Is that crazy?)

I loved Will Eno’s Thom Pain at the DR2 in 2005 (didn’t see the recent revival at the Signature, sadly). I looked it up for the character breakdown:

In this show I play an anonymous passive observer cloaked in a temporary theatrical convention. Ok… but why does Thom need me there? What am I doing?

Same with Buyer and Cellar by Jonathan Tolin, which I saw at the Taper. An out-of-work actor named Alex talks about the time he got hired to work in a basement mall at Barbra Streisand’s house. He’s telling me about it because… I have no idea. Am I his friend? Are we having coffee? Why isn’t he asking me about the bleeding gash above my left eyebrow?

I don’t have a gash. But if I did, he wouldn’t ask about it.

(Am I the only person who’s been hurled into an existential void over this??)

For some reason I don’t have this problem when the performer portrays multiple characters connected by a central theme. Like with Danny Hoch’s show about gentrification called Taking Over, or Heather Raffo’s Nine parts of Desire dealing with the plight of Iraqi women.

I saw neither of these. I looked them up.

‘Cause I’m writing a one-person show, man.

By choice.

I don’t know what the fuck I’m doing.

The structure of my play hangs on an actual yoga class. Before the show begins, play-goers are invited to participate on-stage where they remain until the performance ends. They are “yoga students.”

But my character only addresses those people. She doesn’t address “the audience” at large, who is crouched behind the ol’ fourth wall.

Who the hell are they?

Am I writing a hybrid between a traditional play and an object lesson?

Do I need to account for the relationship between on-stage audience and in-house audience?

Am I doing it wrong?

Reference point.

“I’m drawing again.”

This is what I tell people when I show them what I’ve been working on. It suggests I was a draw-er once, a long time ago. Which is a lie. I never drew. I can’t freehand. I never studied as an adult. I didn’t go to school for it. As a kid I took art lessons from a woman around the corner and that’s it.

My sister had–has–an incredible natural ability. Hence the lessons. We’d get dropped off at our neighbor’s every week along with a few other local kids. Our teacher had us practice very basic concepts. Perspective. Negative space. Color theory. She had a lovely blond freckled son who was slightly older than me, who I daydreamed about kissing waaaay more than I daydreamed about perspective.

One time the woman asked us to replicate a Picasso sketch of a seated man. We had to keep the sketch turned upside down. As we worked, the blond freckled boy popped in and asked his mom to cut a tag off his clothes. He lifted his shirt and I nearly passed out because I have this reaction to impossibly beautiful people lifting their shirts but whatever that’s a totally treatable condition, but at any rate I don’t remember if my sister even looked up. She was absorbed in her work. Her drawing turned out exactly like the Picasso. Mine looked like a half-melted church candle.

I thought she was better than me because she was older. So I got older. Then I thought she was better because she was more focused. So I got focused. But I never caught up. She was always better. I didn’t have a visual imagination like she did. She could sketch out a perfect eyeball without ever looking at one. I could not.

I didn’t give up art right away. I thought maybe I’d do better if she wasn’t sitting right next to me. I quit lessons, and when I got to high school I signed up for an art elective and tried my hand at oil painting. I found a reference photo in an old travel magazine from the stack by the wall. The photo was an attractive still-life of a vase, bathed in warm Mediterranean light, with crisp blue glints down the sides of the glass. I planned to treat my painting as an exercise in color theory and perspective.

But when my brush hit the canvas, the painting became a living thing. I felt its breath. I spoke its language. I felt nervous when I touched it. I got excited when I walked into the room and saw it waiting for me. I wondered with a full heart what the future would hold for us both. Each time my brush lay another stripe of color onto its surface, I felt like I learned something about myself and the world. I painted slowly, with relish. I didn’t want the discovery process to end.

But one day I walked into the art room and my reference photo was missing. I dug though every garbage can. I flipped through the magazines again and again. I would’ve done a frantic Google search but the Internet had not yet been invented. I panicked as I stared at my painting. The flowers, the glass, and part of the tablecloth were done, but the background remained unshaded and the chair in the corner was still just a vague charcoal sketch. I felt completely unmoored. I couldn’t finish it without the photo. I didn’t know how.

After that, I quit art completely. I found writing instead. I became my own reference. The practice was a lot more anxiety-ridden and fraught and tormented and gouging than painting had been, and required me to hunker down inside myself with a flashlight and agitate my own contents with a centrifuge-like intensity and record what I found glinting in the beam. It was a sickening process, and still is.

At the time, I didn’t realize the extent to which writers are encouraged to perform their neuroses in their work. When your profession rewards you for your attitudes and behaviors, healthy or otherwise, things get reeaaaaeal murky when those same attitudes and behaviors negatively affect your personal life. You question what’s real and what’s invention in service of story. You question your goals, your habits, your interior life. Your relationships. Your self-worth.

Um so when that happened, it was suggested I try adult coloring books to help ground myself. The placid meditative slow-burn color-filled universe kept me from falling into the void for a bit. And the subjects were often interesting. New York City bridges. Famous historical feminists. Día de Muertos. But the drawings themselves were not. They’re designed to lull you into a pleasant repetitive mindless alpha state that asks for zero emotional engagement while encouraging you to stay within a certain set of boundaries. They are the artistic equivalent of railings on a balcony. And when I see railings, all I wanna do is jump.

But I wanted and needed something to soften me from the inside. I started going through pictures I’d taken of my husband, my kid, my cats, my yard. Foods I love. Places I’ve been. Pages from books I’m reading. Anything that offered an outward expression of what I found meaningful.

Reference photos, in other words.

I know it seems frigging nuts to embark upon a time-consuming artistic hobby when one is already coping with a time-consuming artistic career. But it’s slightly less crazy to act like I’m returning to an old hobby as if I’d always intended to. Even if it isn’t true.

Right?

At any rate. I’m drawing again, so…

I’ll be ok.