5. A pair of stiletto slingbacks that give me the ability to crouch on water.
6. A vacation to Fashion Fantasy Island, where I am twenty pounds lighter, fourteen inches taller, and can rock a nude tube dress like I was born in it.
... a shot of Phelp's mom and sister reacting to his RIDONCULOUS photo-finish win for his seventh gold of 2008:
Oh go watch it. It's a piping hot platter of Holy Shit. It'll fire you up. It will make you want to go do some laps at the Y. Just like how the first Rocky made you feel like a boxer, or how the Karate Kid made you want to stand on a stump at the beach and crane 'til you croaked. Or how Flashdance made you run in place in leg warmers, rubbing your thighs and swinging your head until your neck spasmed. (Just me?)
Okay, okay. I shall give you what you crave. But you really must stop begging.
Behold: the greatest posing routine EVER.
I can't stop myself from imagining the conversation between Sam the Man and his tech dude...
SAM: I'm looking for a wash of color here. Something strong, aggressive...
TECHIE: How about green.
SAM: Don't you think that's a little Incredible Hulky?
TECHIE: EXACTLY. We'll use some sound from the TV series.
SAM: I like it. It's edgy. It's virile. Make it happen.
TECHIE: I'll bring it up after the robot-velociraptor and the male-revue-ish butt-pump... But I think you should do a little interpretive weed-growing thing.
... but I got the feeling you were wondering what it feels like to get one of these, so I thought I'd break my blog silence to show you...
Yes, it's just like being attacked by millions of sparkles and a tiny little rapper.
The best is that I get to go to this ridiculous gala with A-list celebs, where Sotheby's auctions off Fabregé eggs and reporters ask who you're wearing.
When I went to this event in 2000, I wore an $80 dress from J.C. Penny, took my mom as my date, got very very drunk, made out with a boy in a closet, and rushed the stage when Aretha Franklin launched into "Respect". This year will be decidedly more classy--gown by Vera Wang (purchased on sale, okay), sobriety by motherhood (alcohol gets passed through breastmilk, mofos), and salacious antics kept to a minimum.
...but tired of that blurry photo being the only entry on this page, as though the babe is the period at the end of my sentence. I mean he's great, totally dreamy, but he's more of an ellipses right now... or more like an exclamation point, with a question mark, followed by a new sentence that starts something like "I'm so fucking tired I could gouge my eyes out with a pencil."
Okay that made no sense. Whatever. Hey, I'm writing two movies! One little, one big, and for people (directors) you may have heard of. But I'll wait until they're made before I spill the beans.
How am I doing this AND breastfeeding, you ask? Well, I'm often covered in milk from aiming too low. And I am not sleeping. I'm barely feeding myself. But I'm drinking a special tea to keep my supply up when my nutrition is down. It's fun being food.
August 2008 wanted: "C" is for... my new favorite website who is ken lee? sorrysorrysorry if you're interested... like graphic novels? quick question poser still not back... not back...
June 2008 leaving i'm wearing dog perfume right now. a place of provocation your own personal Geisha do you think she'd marry me? i'm sorry for posting this.... another love
May 2008 nerd up hey Obies! zzzzz ebay is broken wagon puppies what became of me go see!
April 2008 glamourpuss viral change i so wish this didn't exist. stuck. euphoria in the periphery
March 2008 my mom sent me this not perfect white noise yo Ohio! two cringey things little white belly report english lesson? invisible current crush the slow melt
February 2008 news from Nowhere speaking of chocolate... best cooking show EVER news from Austin weirdo escena romántica en la playa good crack not for the faint of heart
January 2008 to the belly hmm. is this funny? the facts thanks anyway fav. early birthday present (so far) experiencing temporal difficulties fatal interview next week
December 2007 to whom it may concern ask-holes ho ho woe a short play about an elephant smelling faintly of more lobsters mobsters and fear lobster and beer another broken human
November 2007 t-day three college shows high-LARIOUS uh-oh... best catfight EVER I'm in.... millay's malaise
October 2007 no spine what I did with the money my body is a cage readin' stand by... my daughter's wedding now playing... umbilical voice mental she... another go see
September 2007 no new tale to tell homesick cell-phone cinema speechless update #3 allow me to make your day update #2 update notes from stateside
August 2007 fire... the funny tail between legs x2 pluggin'
July 2007 give me a piece i *heart* scopitones so sad reality check weekend 1977 redux... something I'm working on...
June 2007 close your eyes me in 24 hours... thank you, theatreforte! junkie just for you my evening all fired up blossom 1977... tofutti brutties
May 2007 no love for the blog the craziest thing you'll ever see. obie-wan midwest mêlée goodbye Kansas theatre creature Zzzzzz what you missed 2
April 2007 drama desk it's a secret how we spend our time in Kansas... bitchslap profanely pretty two treats so many questions... a spring ditty for you my sweet lord fleeting joy
March 2007 drunker I may not have that job any more... cradle of solipsism floating paddy wagon sneak peek where in the world is sheila c.? rock tagged mating dance more food p0rn microwave your babe not who you
February 2007 yo chicago!! dollface hang in there pretend you're in Florida... stir fry still emerging joyce-n-beckett callyboom big baby
January 2007 oy vey for bogface, louella, cassie, boo, and linsay f. we are not these graphics for scott in the meantime... pulp me pulsing with suck keeping the faith i'm writing a poem... hey chicago!
December 2006 add your own caption merry-ish. merry. did you read that post? heartbreak / hunger internet fun how many... gimmie holiday cheer songs to die by my secret fear...
November 2006 this guy does gorgeous work. this town is a freakshow turkey words to write by golden girl no apologies what I don't know... bye-bye, f*ckface why not... another good chicago thing that's more like it. in gratitude
October 2006 "there's something there..." (don't) slay me while i'm gone... suck what you missed breaking and (ahem) entering tonight are you the type of person... seven AM symphony wanna see? on hold
September 2006 midget or child? can someone tell me... jackass nombre deux *sigh*
August 2006 PPS: the night is a sentinel PS back...
July 2006 how I feel when I'm with you retreating why? two-fer fingersmith khan-tastic gone retro-forward
June 2006 Bay Area boon cringe en why see, eye miss thee i am not this blog no shane, no gain dj cally 6am insomnia, San Francisco thank you, patti extend madness holy crap x2 exhausted...
May 2006 tonight newsflash ire-land redux my new favorite google header link o' the day copy whore gift un/related new favorite place cirque irk
April 2006 bitter hope pills DEAD CITY for dummies my husband, the badass soph's concert blog silence
March 2006 impregnate your subconscious mind. one reason i love my mom snakes on a plane shop talk !!! holy cow for the love of all that is holy... touch my monkey lascivious my exit strategy...
February 2006 lick it *phew* nudity on stage pt. 2 words of wisdom the psychology of starvation can someone tell me... tallahasshole 22 inches who needs a sweater? i never told you... a rough day for Sherpie pop quiz
January 2006 buy this book blogging=moolah birthday redux the spaces between (or, the short life of a name) 23 almonds ...um good morning, indeed! the power of a gesture sirius-ly, folks the anchorite virtually random
December 2005 poppy hey chicago liar2 hollerday caution on board liar that dying fall literati eating on the floor mad world in and out
November 2005 denny's Moving. nyuk nyuk wanna see sumpthin' funny? sausage ROFL act like you care for la ketch traffic hey kenyatta plugs back for soph, while I'm far away where am I
October 2005 quickie highlights in FLA gum candy bandaids mileage hey LA... film hurt me well... THAT happened... do-over
September 2005 9-24-05 O.O.C. wicked ...to come? *sigh* ...so schtuff the jet blues Laissez les bon temps rouler?
August 2005 la-la holy crap. thinner amp champ another demo ruined fine recap one thing good news! rockpocket slacks for patrick demo one month later (safe place of terror) quote of the day shoes 2 dead man's soup shoes brain burn can't tell, can tell
July 2005 virtual liberation eskimo pie addict? room service shhhh... wrong faux-pas phun times... off death in the family bloggie-style readin' weightless The Only Dickpie barefoot the horror
June 2005 boogie blog-clog whoa. yikes. rant for those about to blog... two things Golden, CO WTF? improving the night back solipsism, anyone? peeve surprise blog stew my first (FAILED) videolog mad props to cured ham public service announcement friends who blog
May 2005 memorial redux memorial stand by him seasick did you know... budder me up ...so it's like trying to talk about love... winnah buy the flying series--an exhibit sham-burger sammytime in the end we fall apart FYI message the hum for hire yer shittin' me redux a fountain of suave
April 2005 when good atheletes go bad in the pine barrens ladda theedur peru the wrong century word to your llama pulitz-who? yer shittin' me. argh. professional
March 2005 jet plane incidentally make-over blame eeding-ray attention children: on line the squeeze for your viewing enjoyment LA throw-down :( fruit-forward the life vicarious sweet & mild clubbed/crooked the rain in Seattle (circa 1999) loving Martha you can't have your cake and... tweeze me
February 2005 ask me seek fook piehole what we'll do will work for rent reject valentine a week of NOT tour bulletproof smoke crush
January 2005 the soak-me sickness inondé scandal! revelry "please be the beef" surrender to the cute lexiphilia me talk slowly one day the snow in new haven holy hot the magic of music for the record... relief
December 2004 the sun in Clearwater disgusto jamil cuevas, where are you? like okay... trash andrew wyeth, or how new york gets to me PS... not insecurity... the rain in kentucky intractable scale
November 2004 all apologies the greeks have landed flame hater 2 hater energy vampire dirty little white men where's the fire the hope latté talk please. please. please.
October 2004 disorderly conduct aggressively medicore the log of doom the rain in SoCal ice-foots nose spray stage fright bloggin' blues the rain in queens
September 2004 potty mouth caving in freight elevator geek ! not funny hangover beer beer a little wine... 6 nights!!
